And so it is that, after months of absence, I have once again returned to this place…this place which is filled with so many memories and so much emotion. I’d like to believe, as I always do, that I’ve changed since the last time I wrote in these pages…From time to time I read what I’ve written before and am always startled and slightly embarrassed by how differently I now think and how silly I feel about things that have since passed.

Still, I harbour no illusions that at my core, I am pretty much the same person, viz. obstinate, erratic, emotional and terribly alcoholic. Oh well. I have spent the better part of the past couple of months studying for the bar exam which, in retrospect, was not a complete waste of time. It gave me the time to revisit the subjects I love so much and to appreciate the same dimensions of law from different angles. Since the exams finished, I hurried to complete an article that I was intending to submit for publication but, alas, did not meet the deadline and I fear it will quite some time yet before I actually get that piece of work into the outside world.

I have also begun the mammoth task of writing an insolvency law textbook and I foresee that I might, just might, publish it in 15 years time. Hah. How can one ever write a comprehensive textbook on law when everything is subject to change and challenge, the latter effecting the former? True, there are certain concepts that have been established beyond dispute but those are few and far between and, for the most part, aren’t too exciting once they are understood and committed to memory.

My time as an unemployed graduate draws to a close and, in slightly more than a month, I will be a trainee advocate & solicitor at Rajah & Tann. Whilst I am looking forward to the opportunity of testing and bettering my skills in the working world, I would be lying if I said that there was not a sufficient degree of trepidation lurking within me; what will the new working environment be like, how will it bode for me and the plans that I have for the future?

These questions will eventually be answered by the passage of time and I fear that even if I don’t get the answers I want, I will be helpless to do anything about it save to accept that there are things which cannot be changed.

Professionally, however, the main goal that I have set for myself is to hone my craft and better acquaint myself with the different areas of law and, hopefully, master the concepts that underpin them. I hope to be able to deliver a convincing argument that persuades the trier of fact to look upon my submissions, or those of my superiors, with favour. I hope to be able to have the time and competence to publish a few more articles on the areas of law that interest me. I hope to achieve all this, but only because I want to better equip myself to one day impart whatever it is that I have learned to those who will eventually fill my shoes. My desire to one day lecture at tertiary level is still one of the ambitions that I hold dear, and I hope that the next several years prepares me for this task.

Emotionally, things are not as simple as I’d like them to be; the fact that I have so many people to whom  I am indebted, and who anchor my sanity and sense of right and wrong is counterbalanced by the fact that strife is still the common denominator in my family setting. In no small way have I contributed to a great deal of the disagreements that have blossomed like some terrible flower in this garden of discontent that has since replaced what was, 7 years ago, my ideal family life. The only difference, the only thing that has really changed, is me…and what I am now capable of. I hope to learn how to nurture relationships rather than criticise them and, perhaps, that is the lesson that 2010 will teach me.

Nonetheless, I am happy now…so very happy and so very grateful that I have finally finished my degree and that I now have the power to help those around me whom I have always wanted to help but never had the means to do so. I am grateful for Jo who has selflessly stood by me and, who I believe, will continue to stand beside me till the day that I am no more. I am indebted to the friends that I have, for their unending support and unparalleled faith in who I may become. I am pleasantly suprised that my career will, I believe, coincide with my developing love for the academic side of the law.

Alas, there is always the bitter side to the coin; the grime that lines the edge of what ought to be a shining piece of silver. I fear that the next couple of years will not be as smooth sailing as I’d like them to be but I await the challenge and I hope to emerge victorious.

I have faith that all things will be right in their time.

Alex out.

There is no motivation like regret

I always stop and pause whenever I choose a title for a blog post. More often than not, I rush the process. The end product is often something glib, vacuous or vague. There are times, however, like now, when I choose to write first and then title the post after, in the hope that the title I give the particular entry is more appropriate.

Graduation came and went on the 15th of July 2009, even though I effectively graduated on the 1st of June 2009 at 1300hrs when my last paper ended. Nonetheless, the ceremony is significant not because I walked across the stage for a mere 8 seconds before collecting my certificate, but because it was a wake up call that the next phase of my life beckons.

Where do I go from here? Having successfully applied for a pupillage at Rajah & Tann, it seems as though the next 2 years or so will involve completing the bar examination and, with luck, being retained by the Firm as an associate. I would not go so far as to say that I could have forseen, or planned, such a smooth transition from student to working adult…but the moment I applied myself to my studies, finding work with a firm would never prove to be the difficult bit. As always, the real challenge lies in excelling at the task laid before me.

As I take stock of all that has happened, and it has happened all too quickly, I find my life fitting together in an uncomfortably predictable pattern. Whilst I harbour the hope of qualifying for the BCL, I am well aware that my chances of actually making it into such a prestigious post-graduate course are so slim as to be considered marginal. True, I did finish the last 2 years of law school strongly, and partially achieved the goals that I set for myself. I say partially because, for all my effort, I only managed to muster a second-upper class honours, albeit a strong one.

In one sense, graduation was a painful proceeding not least because I felt that had I put my nose to the grindstone from the outset, I would have managed to achieve a first class. I thought that 2 years of solid effort would have been enough, given that it was only the grades from those 2 years which counted, but that was a grave mistake. The importance of the first year is that it ensures that one gets into the rhythm of a given course, and it allows you to make the mistakes that you would otherwise make in the second year, when it counts. Thus, despite the herculean effort that I put into my second year, the grades I achieved were, though above average, wholly insufficient to secure an overall first class. Had put in effort from the very first year, my second year grades would have mirrored my third year and there would be no regrets.

But that is not how life ever pans out, is it? What would life be like, without a motivation as strong as regret?

The only thing that has changed is that I know now that I have what it takes to excel in my chosen field of work and study….and, if there is anything that my 2 years of hard work has bought me, it is self-belief that I can, with a great deal of sacrifice, be the best at what I am doing.

That, I suppose, is pretty much all that has been on my mind as of late.

As for what has passed, the Euro trip was excellent and Jo and I had a wonderful time covering London, Paris, Barcelona, Madrid, Porto, Lisbon, Amsterdam and Bristol…though my Spanish experience leaves me needing to apply for a new IC and driving licence, having been the victim of pick-pocket theft. Heh.

Within 2 days I’ll be returning to Singapore for the forseeable future and what a busy couple of months lies before me! Aside from Han’s wedding preparations and rehearsals (am I still planning the bachelor’s party?), there is the bar exam and, hopefully, a spot of teaching to come  (God knows i need the money).

i’ve been writing with a pen with no ink, swimming in a sea of chalky water. haunted. flickered. need a dawn.

this ground seems so oft tread
the footprints are familiar
a windless plane; a dear air
chastens my heart.

each step is as hollow as the heart
syncopated monotony.

it’s a tiring climb and his hands are bleeding. calloused and cracked palms betray the jagged rock that looked as smooth as alabaster from a distance. the view is imperiously breathtaking, a forrest of leaveless trees, their gnarled branches reaching heavenwards as though frozen in terror, or pain. the drop below holds certain death, yet her ladyship looks up smiling and he hides his willingness to accept her invitation. the bitter irony of no man’s land is almost as paralysing as snake’s venom, and oh does it course through his veins, each palpitation beats fear through his body. the night wind caresses his face as he looks into the sky he has always thought of as midnight blue, only to realise the enormity of its vast, inescapable blackness, the maw of Hades. the stars haughtily regard him, almost treating his gaze as an insult to their modesty. they cloak their brightness and what was once a flicker, flickers out. he reaches up, anxious, frightened, desperate, grabbing hold of the rock above and hoisting himself up, feeling the stony razors of the cliff’s edge drawing blood, the smell of iron pervading his bodice. enough.

it rushes towards him on swift wings, announced only by the gnashing of jaws, rending him limb from limb. the rocks below are crimson. the stars resume their dance, confident in their privacy as they sparkle and shine. spring comes and summer harkens, the flowers bloom once more.

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I don’t know how many times I’ve referred to this blog as my last bastion of sanity, or the virtual graveyard where I bury memories so that I may one day rediscover them to my delight/suprise/embarrasment. That’s precisely what it is. Take the time to read it and you’ll find it exhilaratingly depressing and self-absorved.

Still, I was suprised, no shocked, to hear that my musings/virtual catharsis had an unintentionally provocative effect! It is to my credit (and sometimes great detriment) that I am, at the very least, consistent in my response. What that really means, if you don’t know me well enough, is that I couldn’t give a fuck what you think.

Unlike the ridiculous response people who campaign against television violence face (which is, don’t watch TV then), it actually takes mens rea to read a blog. You need to type in the address, or at least unearth it from beneath a pile of scattered virtual bookmarks. What that means, is that if you choose to read something, you read at your own peril.

Moreover, any one with a semblence of intelligence should be able to surmise that almost every entry I write is perpetually wrapped in a  cloak of ambiguity. Whether I’m discussing past relationships, lamenting no relationship, rejoicing a happy relationship (shit, this is all about girls) or simply deciding to write because it makes me feel good, I always remain vague. What that means is that if something you read struck a chord in you, then you ought to ask yourself why it did.

I do not think it even necessary to embark upon a defence of my right to free speech, or to explain the basis of my presumptions. Even typing out that last sentence, I feel disgusted at the idea that I might be trying to justify myself.

So, whilst I have a long way yet to go before I may consider myself learned in the ways of the world, let me conclude by sharing a lesson that took me a while to learn: Don’t start something you’re not prepared to finish…and even if you are, you may not like what you find at the end. Now what that means, and I’m being categorically clear here, is that my last blog post was simply an observation coupled with a lamentation. The former concerns an observation of what I consider to be a sistemic state of affairs whilst the latter is a response that the said state prejudices my right to excellence.

You know, this just reinforces what I wrote in the post prior to the previous one, that I really am tired of Bristol and am looking forward to moving on.

fucking tired, fucking stressed and fucking annoyed.

tired because i’m stressed. annoyed that i shouldn’t have to be more stressed than i already am.

i’m fucking competing with a fucking collective hive of information. i mean, what the fuck? go to university only to rely on the work of others? knnbccb.

then there’s the fact that whilst i know everyone has their own pile of shit to deal with, it’s unavoidable that we have expectations of others whom we expect to appreciate our current situations and react accordingly. not present.

fuck it lah, i really have too much work to do to give a fuck. the path to excellence has always been a long lonely road anyway.

The Final Countdown

So all the courseworks have been submitted, albeit with the greatest degree of trepidation and anxiety, and now only the written examinations remain. Trusts, Business Rescue and Reconstruction (i.e. Administration, Administrative Receiverships and Voluntary Arrangements) and Company Law. Though my preparation this year has been consistent, I feel completely unprepared. There are just too many concepts to commit to memory and recall with complete clarity. Yet the task has been laid before me and it is unavoidable so there’s no other option than to continue plodding.

To be honest, I’m afraid because…well…I’m not afraid, or at least not as fearful of the upcoming exams as I should be. By no stretch of the imagination do I feel that my second-upper has been secured, despite the fact that I require 2 out of 6 this year in order to get it. For starters, that’s not even what I was originally aiming for. However, with a first now firmly out of my reach, I can only improve the quality of my 2:1 and I hope not to disappoint myself or anyone who’s counting on me.

So, as we (the third years) enter the final leg of the race, there’s not much to say anymore. Some friendships have disintegrated and new ones have been forged. In all honesty, I’m glad to be finishing up my final year in Bristol because as much as I’ve learned to tolerate much of the bullshit that flies over my head, I’m fucking sick and tired of the people here and just want to move the hell on. Yes, there have been some diamonds amongst the rough, but those are few and far between and besides, moving on from Bristol does not entail severing those links.

It’s just time for the next phase of my life and, hopefully, the lessons that I’ve taken away from my tertiary education, both academic and otherwise, will serve me well in the working world. Though I’ve always believed in innate intelligence, I now think that dilligence and commitment are far more valuable qualities. The only problem is that greatness and excellence is only achieved when both of these scarce qualities come together. Perhaps there is an undiscovered reservoir of intellect within me that I will one day discover, but until then, I continue to enjoy the struggle against mediocrity and have had to learn to take joy in the small pleasures that my work ethic confers.

Ok. That’s a whole lotta ramble ain’t it. I don’t think I’ll be blogging for a while now, not until the exams are over anyway. So I hope that the next time I do, I’ll have good news for once.

As Easter draws to a close and the final stretch of university life races towards, I feel completely out-of-sync. The past two years have been life-changing in many respects, not least because I take every single lecture/tutorial seriously. Somehow I have this vision that every single thing I learn will, at some point in time, prove useful and thus, I set myself the unachievable task of mastering everything that is within my syllabus. What’s wrong with that, you might say? Isn’t a student’s job to study? There isn’t a problem except for the fact that I now take myself too seriously and indulge an overzealous attention to detail. What’s worse, with all that huffing and puffing and over-exertion of my limited mental faculties, I’ve got very little to show for it on paper. Whilst I have managed to avoid the deep pool of mediocre talent, I have only suceeded in barely skimming above it to crash into the even bigger ocean of above-average talent, i.e. the shallow river of excellence still eludes me.

In fact, my pride has reacted to the harsh reflection it has been forced to come to terms with in the only way possible, by feigning ennui and moaning unfairness. Nonetheless, my current dilemma seems infinitely better than the pathetic sanctuary of self-assuring intelligence where the motto of, “If I had…” reigns supreme. At about this time last year I wrote something about the need to continue plodding in the face of adversity and completed the post with a quote by Cardozo CJ that went something along the lines of, “I am a plodding medioricity…note, not a mere mediocrity but a plodding one. Though a mere mediocrity goes no where, a plodding one may go quite a distance eventually.” Whilst my paraphrase lacks the verve, pomp and linguistic tang of the learned judge, you get the idea.

I suppose I will just have to persist in plodding.

So I haven’t written anything in quite a while here…I suppose this is my first post of the month and I have the sneaky suspicion that it might be my last (for April anyway). The month ahead is filled with a great deal of revision, the last academic push before the time comes to start working. For some reason, a strange sense of calm has overtaken me, though I still feel the pressure of getting decent grades and I am not counting my second-upper as in the bag. I suppose it might be because this has been my most consistent year so far, in terms of revision anyway and the fact is that I’m finally studying the things that interest me. It’s sad, in that sense, that I’m only enjoying the process of learning in the very last year of my formal education.

Nonetheless, I’m looking forward to the next challenge, wherever it may come from. I have contemplated taking up a career in teaching though I fear that my inherent sense of practicality will mean that I pursue the highest paying job that my degree qualifies me for, i.e. a career in the legal sector; material comfort and stability seem to constantly overwhelm passion and altruism. Or maybe not. We’ll just have to see how it goes I guess.

As far as everything else is concerned, I’m happy. Life has been good to me and this year really has been significantly more stable and rewarding.

Wait, maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s why I’ve not been writing as much as I’ve been accustomed to for…I don’t know, the past 10 years? Because there’s so little drama left! Do I yearn for more roller-coaster exciting times? A resounding no. I cope well with stress till a certain point, then I just become a huge metaphorical tower of flame, incinerating all in my path, eventually burning myself up in the process. Maybe this blog should take a new direction eh? There are so many out there (blogs) that talk about food, fashion (heh heh heh), travel and politics, mine just talks about me. Then again, people talk about all those things because it’s what interests them…I suppose what interests me the most is, well, me. Everyone’s favourite topic is themselves. I suppose some are just more honest about it than others. hahahahhahahahhahahahahahhaha

Ok I didn’t really laugh. It was more like a smirk-grin. But you get the idea.

I’ll resume doing what I did from time to time before, continue writing short novella and detailed paragraphs of nothingness that seem to gush from my ever flowing spring of still-born storylines.